The looks from my friends were telling: Aghast. Agape. Appalled. Alarmed. And that's just the "A"'s. But at only $50 round trip, I accepted their loathing. I guess the trick is don't tell anyone.

So off I went (by cab, of course) to the depot, in culture shock amidst a full house of twentyand- thirty- somethings with bad haircuts. Hoping to fit in, I assessed how they lounged around waiting to board, lots of patience, every one on a cell phone bellowing out their life's stories so all could hear, weighed down with backpacks, text books and pizza slices. No, not possible, not with my overnight Louis Vuitton Galliera GM, WSJ, and treats from Dean & DeLuca. I decided best to just be myself. To those who say "50's are the new 30's", I say "Get real!"

So, never being one to turn down a potential new peril, I obediently trailed one to a dark van on a side street. Motioned to climb aboard, I was thinking this thing is going to take off and I'll end up across some border, but was actually enveloped by floor to ceiling fake designer Louis Vuitton Eugenie. I was indeed a captive audience, dying to buy something without actually dying. Squirming and trying to figure out how to say No politely and safely, I finally called upon my best Schwarzenegger impression and swaggered out with "I'll be back."

A short time later, I did score a great replica Cartier watch for $30, thinking perhaps I would be redeemed by my friends after all. Not so. "You didn't buy one for me? I may not ride a bus but I'd certainly wear a good fake!"

Prev: Attractions of New York